December 10, 2019

.

Although we have a few weeks left…another year has essentially come and gone. It’s always bittersweet to know another year has passed, but I love the feeling of a new year on the horizon.

.

I’m not big on New Years resolutions but i do like to set goals for the year ahead, which I did at the beginning of 2019, per usual. I set five pretty significant (to me) goals, to be exact. Not only did I set five goals, I was unable to achieve any of the five goals I set. At first, realizing I wouldn’t achieve any of my goals this year, was hard on me. I started creating unnecessary stress, overworking myself in hopes that I could at least still achieve the financial ones and beating myself up about it.

.

This week, I finally accepted that none of those goals would be reached…and that it’s okay! Instead of feeling like I failed myself, I reflected on what all those “failures” taught me…and the experience I gained from it all.

.

•The first goal I set was to finish my private pilots license. It was a big goal but definitely do-able. I worked on it on and off for a year and a half. At first I loved it, and then I started to dread it. Dread going to lessons and dread dropping $100-200 dollars every time I went (sometimes multiple times a week). When people ask why I stopped I usually respond with, “it wasn’t making me happy,” and that response rarely satisfies. It’s the truth though.

.

I’ve spent my whole life being an overachiever. From sixth grade on, I never had a break. 4-H meetings multiple nights a week, cheerleading practice the other nights of the week, Student Council, FFA, newspaper staff, and so on and so forth. Junior high and high school were great but exhausting. Not a day went by that I wasn’t doing something “for my future.” I went straight to college and was working while working on my Bachelors. I took my first Masters class while still working on my Bachelors degree. I went straight from grad school to being a flight attendant and dealing with the struggles of making even less money than I did as a student and server. I hustled to pay off my car a year early only to start flight lessons a month later. Flight lessons that costs as much per month as most mortgages. I never gave myself time to just enjoy being nearly debt free before putting myself in even more debt. I never had a break. So many times I’ve been so focused on the future…I forget to enjoy the now.

.

That feeling of being exhausted and wanting to enjoy life in the moment is what helped me decide I was done. I wanted to quit way sooner but I was so worried about what everyone else would think. Worried people would think I was a failure, that I wasn’t smart enough or couldn’t handle it. I know I could…but life happened, so many things led to it not making me happy and I wanted to finally live in the now and to stop worrying so much about the future. I wanted to be able to travel not for work and not feel guilty that I should be spending the time and money on flight lessons, that no longer made me happy. The day I decided to stop lessons was hard. I cried the whole way there, but I knew it was the right choice. At the end of the day I still tried it, I still soloed a freaking airplane…many times! I still experienced something so many people would and will never do, and for now…that’s enough. If I ever want to pick back up I can, but for now I’m happier where I’m at in life! Don’t get me wrong, I still think about what’s best for my future every day…but I also learned it’s okay to be happy where you are. Being content doesn’t make you a failure!

•My second goal was to lose a certain amount of weight or get back in shape. When I moved to Chicago a few years ago I was so unhealthy. I had been in a toxic relationship and my health was at its worst. I had gained probably 30 pounds and I felt horrible. Moving there was my chance at a completely fresh start, and it worked! I got the most amazing personal trainer in the world, and I found a routine. I lost all the weight I had gained and more. I found a love for fitness, and although the eating clean part was a constant battle, I did well! However, when I moved back home…I let it all go to waste. Looking back I’m so disappointed in myself for that. I was the best I had ever been and I let it all go. Granted the gym was now 15-20 miles away instead of a mile, and work was crazier…but I still could have maintained, I just didn’t. So this year, I wanted to do better.

.

With the end of the year approaching once again I realized that this second goal I had set wouldn’t be achieved. As much as I want to beat myself up over it, instead I focused on finding a routine and balance again…and being thankful for all the amazing food I’ve got to experience this year! Should I have balanced better? Absolutely! But I’m never going to fully restrict myself again. I want to work hard in the gym, but I also want to go hard on some amazing meals when I can!

.

Do I regret all the fast food stops on my commute between Houston and Dallas, or all the hours I could have spent working out instead of aimless scrolling through social media? Definitely. But do I regret eating one of the most amazing burgers I’ve ever had in my life (3 times) while in Finland, or over indulging in Amsterdam on fries with mayo? Not at all!

.

I’m not saying we should all give up and forget about a proper diet…but I do believe that balance is best! Don’t miss out on that meal you want just because you think you’ll feel guilty! Eat that Instagram worthy meal! Just make tomorrow’s cardio session a little more intense!

.

•The third and fourth goals were finance related. To pay off the $12000 personal loan I took out for flight lessons and have no credit card debt by the end of the year, and to have X amount in savings by the end of the year.

.

I achieved the no credit card debt by the end of the year goal, but I failed the savings and personal loan pay off goal. I was over half way to my savings account goal then I used it to pay off the credit cards. The personal loan is super close! But not paid off. A few months ago I was really stressing over it all. I was stressing so much about money. Not because I didn’t have the money I needed to survive, but because I didn’t have all the extra I wanted to reach my goals. I hate debt, and I love paying off things early! Some people look forward to having extra money to go out with, go shopping with or take a trip with. I look forward to extra money so I can pay extra on student loans, my personal loan or putting extra money in savings. For me, it’s exciting to see my balances lower and my credit score rise!

.

.

This year I can attribute my inability to attain this goal primarily on disc golf (and food). However, when I look back on my rookie PDGA year…I wouldn’t trade it for the world! I probably played well over 50 events, in 4 states and 3 countries. I took a lot of time off work and I spent a lot of money on tournaments, gas, rental cars, and Airbnb’s…but I also have memories to last a lifetime! I got to experience a tournament in Amsterdam with one of my best friends, who had never been out of the country prior to that! I got to play disc golf at some of the toughest and most beautiful courses in the world in Finland. I won a Championship title at a disc golf Major! It was in FA4, which is Novice, and the lowest adult division they have but I still had to work hard and play well to get it. I even got to play disc golf in Old Joliet Prison that housed notorious inmates like John Wayne Gacy! The experiences I’ve gotten in my first year alone have been mind blowing.

.

.

So yeah, I could have opted out of all that and reached my financial goals…but those memories are worth their weight in gold and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world! Not even having a few extra thousand in debt paid off. Life’s too short to not live…and more importantly, live in the moment every now and then!

.

The final goal was my disc golf goal. If you’re not familiar with disc golf, we have a rating system within the Professional Disc Golf Association. My goal for my first year was to be rated about 725. It seemed super attainable and to be honest, had I only played local tournaments, it likely would have happened. At 725, you can no longer play in the Novice women’s division. I never play Novice locally anyways but for A-tiers and Major’s where people play what their rating allows in order to have a better chance of winning a title, they do. So I wanted to be out of the “Novice” rating. I’m definitely not a Novice player anymore. I teeter between Rec and Intermediate, but my rating doesn’t reflect that. After the last rating update, I’ve dropped back to 10 points shy of reaching my goal. We’ll get one more update to cover December tournaments but after this last weekend, it’s pretty much solidified that in my rookie PDGA year, I will not reach that 725+ goal.

.

Again, another thing I was beating myself up about until this last weekend, when I was forced to abandon that goal. Ratings are subject to so many things. The ratings this last weekend were very harsh. So harsh that it had me already defeated going into round two. So round two, I played significantly worse that I normally play. Not to say I normally play horrible but it was rough. I had to accept that this tournament will once again cause a rating drop just at the time when I needed a boost the most.

.

As I said before, had I played only local tournaments on courses I’m familiar with…there’s a good chance my rating would have hit that goal. However, my biggest motivation in playing has always been to play everywhere! I have this ability to travel virtually anywhere in the world and play a game that is becoming world wide…so I want to experience it all over! I’ve played many rounds where I had never even seen the course until I step foot on it during the tournament. Some I did well on and other times I struggled. I’m sure having practice rounds on some of them would have improved my chances at shooting better but I didn’t always have that luxury. I’d rather risk my rating, than not play these amazing courses at all. I also played one of the toughest, if not the toughest, course in Finland! It was definitely a rating killer but knowing I toughed it out is a good feeling.

.

I’ve been hard on myself the last few months with regards to my play. I never lost the fun in it, but I did put more pressure on myself than necessary to hit my goal. Which in reality probably caused me to drift further from it. I had to remind myself that we all have a different path. There’s a good chance I’ll never play Open (Pro), but I’ve come to realize that maybe my journey is about having some of the best experiences and playing in some of the greatest tournaments disc golf has to offer…even if it is just at the Recreational level.

.

So while I won’t hit my rating goal, and I’ll still set another goal for 2020…I won’t beat myself up about it like I was the last few months. One of my first tournaments in 2020 will be in Koh Samui, Thailand. I would love to shoot above my rating and clinch a podium finish…but at the end of the day the experience is worth more than any rating, trophy or title. So my real goal for next year is to appreciate every moment I get to spend on the course, and most importantly…enjoy my time with the friends that have turned into family throughout this journey.

.

.

.

So that’s it. That’s the long version of how this year will conclude. My expectations versus my reality. While I may not have reached any of the five goals I set, I gained so much more in experience and life. And while I know many of us set new year resolutions and goals, I also hope everyone who didn’t accomplish them, realizes that it’s okay to not reach them. I can almost guarantee that if you think about it long enough, you’ll realize why it happened and find out you gained some other immeasurable experience from it.

.

So if you didn’t hit your goals this year, you’re not alone and it’s okay! Where ever you are in life, you’re there for a reason. Embrace it, learn from it, and try again next year! It’s never too late to do something amazing. 🖤