October 11, 2018

Among everything else that’s running thru my head today, I’ve been trying to decide how to start this next post.

One thing I’ve always prided myself on is my honesty, and to be honest…it’s a blessing and a curse. Lately its hard for me to post anything on social media. In most cases it takes me days or weeks to upload pictures from my latest experience or adventure. I think part of it is getting older. No longer needing social media to feel validated. If anything lately, it tends to make me feel more alone or more depressed.

The thing about social media is, it’s not real. Sure the photos from the places I go are real, the foods I eat are real…but the experience I share isn’t always real.

I saw a quote once that said “real words aren’t eloquent and eloquent words aren’t real.”

It’s easy for me to share pictures with a caption or detailed description that makes it seem so amazing. We all do it, and that’s okay. No one wants to see the truth in experiences, they want to see the glamor or the happiness. In reality I’m jaded, I’ve become pessimistic about so much in life, and most of my adult life has been riddled with stress and intense anxiety. I wont deny that it’s my poor choices that caused most of it, but that’s the reality of it.

It’s become harder for me to post on social media because it’s not real. It’s hard for me to post because so many people see what I post and think I have an amazing life. I do have a great life, and I’m so thankful…but that doesn’t take away the underlying realities. I’m exhausted of sharing experience and people commenting things like: “oh I wish I had your life”, “you’re so lucky”, “this looks like so much fun”. Then I reply with the, “it was amazing”, “thank you, I had a blast”, etc.

I realize how blessed I am with an amazing family, friends, a home, my health and a career that allows me to travel. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I don’t want to downplay that. But I also want people to realize that social media, is rarely real, and its rarely honest. You can’t compare your lives with the lives of those you follow online because I promise there’s more to it.

A few weeks ago, the person I’ve loved most in life…left me again for the second time in 10 years. My first love and my high school sweetheart, who I gave another chance after 10 years apart. Our love in high school was that of the typical teenage love, exciting but no real regards to the future. It ended tragically like most first loves do. Anyone who knew me in high school knows I didn’t handle it well at all, but as time went on and sometime after a little more back and forth in college, I got over it. For 6 years, I didn’t even think about looking back. I never expected him to come back into my life, as I had been over it for years. Something happened tho and he did. We may not have handled it the right way, we may have disappointed a lot of people and hurt some others, and for that I’m sorry. But there was love there, a love I had never felt before. A mature love, a love that felt real. There was a lot of other bs that came along with it, but he convinced me it was real and it felt worth it. Our goals and dreams were aligned, and it felt as if the universe was just keeping us apart all these years so we could finally become the people we needed to be for each other. I found someone who I could finally be a team with, who was proud of me and the life I’ve created for myself, and saw potential in what we could build together…but I was wrong.

I didn’t know how wrong I was, until the day he left…or really a few days later. It’s probably most flight attendants worst nightmare, coming home to find the love of your life has moved out and left you without much of an explanation.

I don’t blame him for leaving, if it’s what he needed to do to make himself happy or to finally find himself. In time I’ll be happy if he’s truly happy…because I still have nothing but love and only want what’s best for him, even though sometimes it kills me.

I’m not proud that it happened, and I’m not looking for sympathy by any means. To be honest, it is embarrassing. I’m struggling thru sharing any of this but I think it’s important. It’s important to realize that not all that glitters is gold, and not everything people portray about their lives is accurate.

I went to London this week because I was heartbroken. I went to London because I needed a reminder of the parts of my life I’m so lucky to have. I told myself if I was going to cry I might as well be crying in another country than crying in my bed. So that’s what I did, I cried, a lot. I got on the plane and cried during take off. I cried because I thought I was done traveling alone because I’m alone. So many dreams and talks of destinations we wanted to go to together. So many ideas of things we wanted to do, places we wanted to go, disc golf courses we wanted to play around the world. I cried because the only reason I was on this trip was because my heart got broken again. I can fly anywhere in the world for basically free but what I was ready for was to settle down, build a life with someone, have a family and then travel with the family that I created. I’ve experienced so much and had so many great experiences but I was ready for the next step in life.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful because I’m thankful for the opportunity to go back to London. I’ve been wanting to see The Making of Harry Potter studio tour for years and I finally made the time to go.

I have no shame in my love for Harry Potter and rereading the books the last month or so has gotten me thru many spells of anxiety, so getting to have one of the greatest, if not the greatest Harry Potter experience imaginable was incredible.

I spent way more time there than most people I’m sure but for those 5-6 hours of nerding our and feeling like I was in another world; I felt away from my problems and away from my pain.

But once it was all over with, the reality set back in. Solo traveling is great when you’re in a good state of mind, but not so much when you’re already down. Granted everyone is different, and for some it may be just what the doctor ordered. For me, it was one reminder after another of what I’m going thru. It was sitting on the plane alone, wishing things were still normal and thinking, “I still wish I was with you at home or that you were here instead”. It was playing at my first international disc golf course I hunted down thinking, “I wish you were here to experience it with me because you’re the reason I fell in love with this hobby.” It was strolling thru the market trying foods and drinks thinking, “you would have loved this or I should get you this.” It was standing on the Underground next to a family with a beautiful baby bundled up in a stroller thinking, “if I hadn’t had a miscarriage a few months ago, that could have been similar to what our life would look like this time next year”…and it was sitting in the hostel two nights in a row eating my dinner alone because I’m not good at meeting or opening up to people I don’t know thinking, “damn this sucks.”

So I did, I did have moments that were good while I was gone…but I can’t pretend right now that it was all adventure and happiness because it wasn’t. I can’t post much on social media right now because I know life looks better online than it really is and that’s not fair.

…and like I said, I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want pity. I know the heartbreaks I’ve endured lately are minuscule compared to so many others’ problems in life; and in all reality I probably deserved it. Maybe not the way it happened but overall. I do take most of the blame in getting into this situation but it doesn’t change the hurt. I’ve been thru a lot this year, and like most online, I’ve hidden a lot or covered it with a facade of happiness. I don’t want to be one of those people who writes status updates about every problem in life looking for attention either. I just want this to be used as a reminder that not all you see is as it seems. Some people watch me travel and wish it was them. Sometimes I see people who don’t struggle with chronic anxiety, people who are always happy, people who are getting married or are having a baby and I wish it were me.

I used to compare my life to others I saw and wished I had what they had, or the life they portrayed. Thru having this career and so many experiences, I’ve had a ton of people say they wish they had my life or could do what I could do. That’s when it hit me that what I had been portraying was not real. You don’t see how hard it is to find someone to stick by your side in a career where you’re gone so much. You don’t see the loneliness of a long day of flying followed by a long night alone in another hotel. You don’t see the anxiety of the future that comes after you’ve been left while on a trip for work. You don’t see the fear of thinking that no one can handle living this life with you and your chances of having a family are slipping away with every passing day.

I know it’s possible and not all hope is lost, but those are my daily struggles. Those are the things that make it hard to share the good experiences because I feel like its just a front to cover the bad.

I also realize I could delete it all and purge myself of social media, but even that wont change things. Instead I have chosen to be honest, to be transparent and to remind people that life’s hard and breaks all of us at some point. I’m broken, and I’m lost…and even some of the best opportunities in the world can’t change that right now. But I wanted to take this opportunity to use it as motivation or eye opening for anyone else who was struggling. Anyone who has watched someone else’s lives forgetting about what lies beneath, wishing it was their life…or someone like me who is struggling on the inside to be happy but is scared to say it because from the outside it doesn’t make sense and might come off as ungrateful or spoiled.

Again it’s hard to write all of this because I don’t want to come off as wanting attention or pity. I just felt it was important to share the reality of life right now. Sure flying across the Atlantic for an adventure is cool, but nothing can heal a broken heart except time. It doesn’t matter who you are (unless you’re a sociopath), no amount of money, or running away can heal someone of the demons or hurt inside; it literally just takes time.

So anyone who is scared of their feelings, scared of the truth, or scared of what the future brings…no matter how different our lives may seem, we’re in this together and I hope you find comfort in this reminder that we can’t compare our lives with others because things are rarely as amazing as they seem.

I’m unsure when I’ll write again. Food brings me joy and when I’m upset I lose my appetite, and I lose that inspiration. But like everything else in life, with enough time I’ll be healed. Then hopefully come back stronger, more inspired and having found true happiness, even if just within myself. 💞